Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
