We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
