you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
