Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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