I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
