Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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