Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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