New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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