YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
