i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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