My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
