I will die if light touches me.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
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