Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
