Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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