if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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