Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
