haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
