He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
