Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
