i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
