I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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