Your face is a jimmy john
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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