peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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