No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
