dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
