im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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