We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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