barbara walters just said penis...
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
How drunk are you?
Completed.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
