What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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