My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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