I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
