a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
