just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
