1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
