The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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