The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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