Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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