it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
