Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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