i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
