Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize