who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I think I just sharted jello shots
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