miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
