I wish I could teleport
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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