all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm really busy with my period
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