So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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