omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
