I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize