Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
