I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
