he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
