guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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