I just made out with a guy for $7.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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