We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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