I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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