paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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