ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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