Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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