In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
