and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
