I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
