I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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